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Should I Go No Contact With My Abusive Mother?

When you get to the point you are wondering if you should end the relationship with your mother, things are bad.  Really bad.  You are tired of her abusing you, and possibly also your spouse and children.   You are at your wit's end, trying to think of ways to deal with her outrageous behavior.  Nothing you have tried so far has worked, and you can't think of something different to try - is there any other solution but severing ties?

I understand how you feel- I've been there too.  I didn't speak to my mother for six years.  It took me time to come to that decision.  I thought it wasn't honorable to even consider such a thing.  One day, God spoke to me saying, "But where is the honor in the strife in your relationship?  The fact that your very presence stirs up anger in her?"  I realized that at that time, the most honorable thing I could do would be to end our relationship.  It turned out to be exactly what I needed at the time.  In those years apart, I was able to heal, to learn and to grow.  When my mother decided to try to restore a relationship with me, it was very different.  I had learned a lot about boundaries, and was putting it into practice.  I also began to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and God gave me creative ways to deal with her having NPD.  I had to decide though, was I capable of dealing with the stress and torment of a mother with NPD?  I decided I could handle it, taking it each interaction as it arose, and keeping my expectations of my mother realistic.   While I honestly can't say our relationship is great, it certainly could be much worse, and it has been much worse.  

I have had women ask me if they should go no contact with their mother, and I tell them that isn't a decision I should make for them.  It is a very drastic decision- one that they should make for themselves.  Many people have very strong feelings regarding ending a relationship with a parent, and do not hesitate to share those opinions with the adult child battling this decision.   I believe listening to people with extremely strong opinions on the topic is not good.  After all, the other person does not know how you feel, or exactly what you have experienced.  They are thinking in a very black and white manner, which offers no room for anything other than what they believe.   These people are not who you need to listen to at this time!  

There are many important, serious things to consider for yourself, minus the input of other people, before taking such a drastic step as ending communication with your abusive mother, such as...

Is your mother abusive to you and/or your immediate family?   Physically, sexually, psychologically (including verbal, emotional and mental abuse) abusive?

Does she ignore your boundaries?

Are you out of ideas to help the situation with your mother?

If you sever ties, do you have the strength to stick with your decision, and not call or visit her after?   If you show that weakness, things will get worse, because she won't take your boundaries seriously.   She will know she can disregard them.

If you end your relationship with your mother, and she were to die suddenly, could you live with yourself knowing  the last thing you said to her was ending your relationship?

What will happen with your father?  Will you be able to accept it if you sever ties with your mother, and your father is on her side, cutting ties with you?  Or, if he doesn't, can you have a relationship with him without your mother?

What about the family and friends you share?   Will you be able to handle conversations with them if they tell you that you should make up with your mother? Do you have a plan for something to tell them if this happens?   Or, in the worst case scenario, can you handle losing the relationship with them as well?

What if you go somewhere and see your mother after cutting ties with her?   Can you handle that awkward situation?

What do you feel in your heart is the right thing for you to do?

When you answer these questions, do so honestly.  Ending any relationship is a very drastic step, but especially when that relationship is a one with your parent.

The most important thing you can do in this painful situation is to pray. Ask God for His advice. He never will guide you wrong, and He will strengthen you to do what you need to do.   Also, God will honor your decision either way.  When I went no contact with my mother in 2000, I did so after much prayer & consideration, not in the heat of anger or out of spite, and God honored my decision.  In 2014 when I was contemplating going no contact again, God told me the decision was mine to make- He would not tell me what to do.  I decided not to end contact, and He has helped me tremendously to stay in the relationship.  He has strengthened me when I felt weak, and enabled me to help my parents out a great deal (they are having some health problems and need help fairly often from me).  

Later in 2016 when I was very seriously wanting to go no contact with my parents, God showed me that I should not say that to my parents.  Instead, He wanted me to stay low contact, while continuing to work on getting healthier & having good boundaries.  He said my parents would pull away from me naturally, which they have.  At the time of me writing this, my mother has not spoken to me since May 5, 2016, & my father barely speaks to me.  


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