As if making the decision to go no contact isn’t difficult enough, you also have to consider the best way to do it.
Although many narcissists are very similar, they are still individual people which means there is no one size fits all answer on how to go no contact. This means you are going to have to put a great deal of prayer and serious thought into what will be the best way to do this.
There is never an easy way to end any relationship, but in particular with a narcissist. They are prone to narcissistic rage when they do not get their way or they are hurt or rejected. If at all possible, the goal should be to implement no contact while minimizing or avoiding the rage.
Remember, narcissists are NOT normal people. Sitting down with one and saying, “I need to end this relationship because you have hurt me” is not going to work. In these situations, overt narcissists often scream, rage and sometimes physically abuse their victims. Covert narcissists often cry, claim not to understand, say they were only trying to help/love you and pretend they are the victim. Neither scenario is good, because a victim often will resume the relationship just to make this drama stop. The narcissist is happy because they see they can make their victim do anything, and they can continue the abuse. Often, the narcissist makes the victim feel so guilty, they tolerate even more abuse than they once did. Please, please do NOT try this method of ending a relationship with a narcissist!!! Instead, you are going to have to think outside the box.
One way to implement no contact is something many people call ghosting. Simply disappear from the narcissist’s life. Block all ways the narcissist can contact you – phone, text, email, social media and any other way. It is the simplest method.
You also can send the narcissist a letter, email or text saying that you are severing ties and you do not wish to hear from him or her again. If you do this, keep it simple and unemotional. You do not need to go into great detail since the narcissist will only deny or excuse their actions anyway.
Another option you have is to make the narcissist want to discard you. Unfortunately, this will provide this person with some narcissistic supply, but it can work in your favor. The narcissist will think ending the relationship is his or her idea, not yours, and he or she will leave you alone. The way to do this is pretty simple. You know what provides this person with supply. Not only do not do those things, but do things that go against it that are not bad enough to provoke a rage. Nothing terribly obvious. For example, if the narcissist is your romantic partner, and wants you to look your best at all times, stop doing that. Wear sweat pants. Do not wear make up or wear perfume. You just want to be comfortable, after all! Or, if the narcissist is your parent who expects you to be at her beck and call, do not do it. Stop taking every phone call or responding to every text, even if she calls or texts back repeatedly and often until you respond. Turn off your ringer or even your phone if necessary. Leave your phone at home while you go to the grocery store. If she later mentions trying to contact you and you did not respond, if you are feeling guilty (which is normal even when you know better simply because this is your parent), hide it. Say, “I was busy” (taking care of yourself, so this is true!) or, “My phone was off.” A simple, non-committal answer with no apology or excuses is your best bet. The hope is behaving this way is that the narcissist will decide you are not worth the trouble, and leave you alone. It can happen if you know the narcissist is tired of your “unreasonable” behavior. They may hang in there for a little while, but contact you less frequently until one day they just abandon you.
Hopefully in these scenarios, the narcissist will leave you alone. Sadly, this is not particularly common. Many narcissists will be livid when a victim severs ties with them. In fact, many will be determined to contact the victim anyway, even if the victim has blocked ways the narcissist usually contacts them. They may create fake social media accounts or emails. They may block, change their phone number or spoof it so they can call or text you, and they may contact you constantly. Some even a hundred or more times in a day. This type of harassment is very common. It is also incredibly stressful to experience. I have been on the receiving end of it, and although it may not sound so bad, it is no joke to be harassed by a narcissist! If this happens to you, you have to keep blocking their new numbers, emails and social media accounts. You probably will end up feeling like you are trying to plug holes in a sinking boat that keeps springing new leaks every time you plug an old one, but do it anyway. Also, document every single thing you can! Save screen shots, emails, texts, etc. Do not save them on your computer or phone, however, because if they crash or are stolen, all documentation will be lost. Instead, use online cloud storage or email these things to yourself, saving them on your email provider. Whether or not your narcissist breaks the law, you have documentation of their awful behavior from the beginning in case it is ever needed. It is also a good reminder to you of why you went no contact, in case you ever have doubts about your decision. And, if one day they do break the law, this documentation can work in your favor because it shows a history of awful and manipulative behavior.
No matter how you go no contact with a narcissist, there is always the potential for them to retaliate with a smear campaign. In other words, they will do their best to destroy your reputation by telling everyone about what a terrible person you are and even lying about you to prove their point. The best way to handle smear campaigns is not to handle them. As hard as it can be, never, ever defend yourself. To many people, it will only prove the narcissist is right about you, and you are crazy, angry, etc. Let the narcissist talk about you while you live your life as if nothing is going on, and letting your good character shine. It only makes the narcissist look bad, talking so badly about another person. There will be some people who believe the lies, which means you may lose friends or even family. There is one good thing about this, however. You find out who truly cares about you. I have found smear campaigns can be a blessing in disguise because of this. Those who are unsafe abandoned me, and I opted to think of it like the trash taking itself out. Those who are safe not only did not believe the lies, but our relationships became closer.
Going no contact with a narcissist also creates the potential for flying monkey involvement. These obnoxious and wicked people come out of the woodwork, pleading the narcissist’s case. They invalidate victims’ pain with terrible reasons such as, “But that’s just how she is!”, “He’s getting older now, and won’t be around forever!”, “That’s in the past.. you need to get over it.” or “He loves you so much! I’m sure he didn’t mean that!” Some are very shaming and bullying, trying to force victims to “forgive and forget” and resume the relationship with the narcissist. My personal opinion is that flying monkeys are even more wicked than narcissists. They not only are aware of the narcissist’s abusive treatment of the victim, but they also abuse and manipulate victims under the guise of “helping.” Disgusting!
If you are faced with these awful people, probably you are going to be best off going no contact with them as well. If that is not possible, refuse to discuss the narcissist with them. Anything you say will go back to the narcissist, so why give the flying monkey or narcissist any ammunition? Instead, refuse to discuss the narcissist with the flying monkey. And, implement the Gray Rock method with them, too. Discuss nothing personal, show no emotions, etc. Change the subject, hang up the phone, walk away or be rude if you must accomplish these things